Revolutionary War
Can Canyon Man Keep Up His Fight Against Technology?
For the vast majority of people these days, the ways in which modern technology has made their lives more comfortable is taken almost for granted. Even those famous haters-of-all-things-technological, the Amish, or looking at shooing their horses with newfangled horseshoes that promise to deliver at least 50 miles from a bag of horse oats, at minimum.
However, there’s one guy who is still refusing to leave the Age of Sail and get with at least the Age of Aquarius, let alone the age of digital cellular communication. Known as ‘Canyon Man, ‘ this guy can be seen working under his car every Sunday morning, surrounded by a cloud of noxious exhaust fumes whenever it’s running. If he has his way, he’ll even be buried in that car, sad to say.
It’s easy enough to pick this guy out around the neighborhood. For one, he has a leather watch band on his wrist that was given to him in appreciation of all his service after the end of World War I. For another, he is the guy who constantly rails against all these newfangled doodads that kids are sporting on their own wrists these days, claiming that they’re actually mind-enslavement tools.
Canyon Man is also uncomfortable with any sort of viewing technology when it comes to a television that doesn’t have something to do with a large picture tube sitting inside of a console that that resembles the log cabin that Abraham Lincoln probably went to law school in or something that Noah threw overboard once his ark made landfall.
For those considering tying Canyon Man down and gifting him with a custom LCD TV, forget about it. Not only wouldn’t he even come close to touching it, but he probably would go into a catatonic trance if he heard the words ‘digital video disc player.’ At a minimum, he would go frothy-mouthed with rage at being forced to watch even a video cassette, not that he could probably announce the word anyway.
What is this man going to do when he is forced to confront the fact that TV is no longer beamed over the airwaves in the analog world? Will he become a ‘New Age Digital Man’ or will he refuse to give in to the inevitable when it comes to a new television and the LED backlight technology that makes one so slim that he would be afraid to approach it for fear that aliens would kidnap his brain?
For those standing on the sidelines — fully ensconced in all things digital and wondering why Canyon Man continues to tilt at his imaginary windmills — take comfort in knowing that he is out there acting somewhat like a canary in a coal mine, sitting in his 40-year-old beater mobile and sporting his studio 54 leisure suits. If aliens ever decide to baffle us through digital waves, he’ll be there to warn us that they’re on to us, and that’s a fairly comforting thought, it must be admitted.
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